The Concise Guide to Copy Editing: Repairing Story Leads

Writing headlines is something like writing a song: The words must be appealing and in harmony with the music. And a headline must “sing” — that is, it must be in harmony with the story and “sound” pleasing to the reader. Of course, headlines usually are not read aloud, but they resound in the head and make mental noise — the slam of a gavel, blare of a trumpet, tinkle of a wind chime, or a joyous burst of laughter. “Singing” headlines set the mood for the story, making readers sit up and take notice of important news or information or relax and enjoy an entertaining feature.

Within those moods are two major types of headlines — lookers and hookers. Most headlines are lookers. They simply tell readers what’s in the story. Those stories are routine and straight, and readers usually are drawn to them by their interest in the story topic — a sensational crime, significant government action, important information, or heavy drama. The hookers are headlines that grab readers by the shoulders and say, “Read me, I’m interesting.” They usually appear on stories that are not routine — feature stories, think pieces, personal columns, opinion articles, etc. Hooker headlines often merely offer a hint of what the story is about, teasing readers with cleverly worded information. Whether a story calls for a looker or a hooker, the headline usually should not tell the whole story. It should provide essential information that raises enough interest to draw readers into the story.

This is a looker:

China arrests U.S. writer
on charges of espionage

This is a hooker:

What happens when
King Alan goes?

Both headlines catch reader attention. Readers want to know who and why in the China arrest, and they want to know what will happen when Greenspan leaves government. Because “King Alan” is in a headline over a financial column, few readers will ask, “Who’s Alan?” But even if they did, you’ve still got a hooker in that question, “Who’s King Alan?”

Hooker headlines are usually not questions. Mostly they imply a question. Here’s a hooker on a feature about French film director Michael Haneke:

A different kind of shock treatment

That headline invites readers to ask, “What is the different shock treatment?” And they have to read the story to find out.

Occasionally a hooker head can work on a routine story. And sometimes a looker can be perfectly fine atop a feature story. Be flexible. Follow guidelines rather than rules. The main guideline for good headline writing is a question: Does it work? Headline rules are fine for establishing consistency — type, style, etc. But publications should rid themselves of silly headline rules that restrict creativity, readability, and interest. Style and type rules should be sensible and flexible. Remember, a headline is written for readers, not for editors and designers. Keep readers in mind always. And look for fresh words that will excite and entice readers. Why — if the words fit — would a headline writer use hot when searing or fiery means more? Avoid stale headlinese such as hit, rap, panel, etc. And don’t parrot the lead of the story or needlessly borrow words from the text. Read the entire story, and rely on its focus for headline material.
Sometimes headline writers have a clear picture of the story, but the headline ends up out of focus. So headline writers blame space and time restrictions — “I would have written a better head if I had the time or space.” No matter the medium — newspaper, magazine, newsletter, book, online, etc. — headline writers will face restrictions. Below are a few simple steps that will help harried headline writers overcome those restrictions and produce headlines that sing. This exercise may seem to take too much time when time is nowhere to be found, particularly in the rush to meet a deadline. But it’s such an easy drill that most head writers can do it quickly and subconsciously during the headline-writing process. And it’s an exercise that headline writers may need only when writer’s block strikes. If you use it a few times on paper or on your screen, you’ll find that the process comes to you subconsciously when you’re planning a headline.

Remember that this formula is not the only way to write a headline. It’s meant as stimulant, something to fall back on when you are stuck or to get beginning headline writers started. As you write more headlines, you’ll perhaps develop variations of this formula or an entirely different formula. The important points to take from this exercise are focusing on the whole story and finding the right words — strong words that fit. It’s also important that you find a system that works well for you. If you are writing winning headlines and you have an entirely different formula, stick to it. As the saying goes, if it’s not broken, don’t fix it.

This two-step exercise emphasizes the looker headline. It can be used to write a hooker head, and a few paragraphs at the end of the exercise illustrate how the formula can be adapted. You’ll get an entirely different approach in another exercise following this one.

Here is the first story. Write a one-column, 24-point headline in three lines (the steps will follow):

Virgin Retail Group, a unit of closely held London-based Virgin Group Ltd., said it is negotiating to open a minimum of 10 major multiplex theaters in the U.S. during the next three years.

Virgin, which recently opened a 75,000-square-foot music/video/software store In New York’s Times Square, currently operates 24 multiplex cinemas in the United Kingdom.

Ian Duffel, president and chief executive of Virgin Retail Group, said each of the multiplex theaters will probably have more than 16 screens, and will feature digital sound and perhaps private boxes. In addition, certain of the multiplexes will be developed in conjunction with a Virgin megastore. “Right now we’re negotiating to open two of those complexes in New York City,” said Mr. Duffel, who declined to identify the proposed neighborhoods. Virgin previously announced plans to open 30 of its Megastores by 2000, including five in Manhattan.

Mr. Duffel said Virgin Retail has funded its current growth internally, but that it may turn to the public markets in the future to bankroll its proposed centers. Virgin Retail, based in Los Angeles, currently operates six stores in the U.S., including five in California.
(From The Wall Street Journal)

1. After you’ve read the whole story, write a short active-voice sentence that best describes the story’s focus. As you read the story, make note of or mark some key words. First find action words. In this story you might note open, expand, develop, grow, plan, and propose.

Then find key nouns. Here are some: Virgin Retail Group, London, theaters, United States, stores, screens, United Kingdom, megastores, multiplexes.
Now, you’re ready to find the main action word in the story. Is it plan? It could be, but is there a stronger, more precise action word? What about develop? Let’s try it and see how it works in writing a focus sentence. Ask who is developing what.

Virgin Retail Group will develop 10 multiplex theaters. Stop there. You can see develop is not working. It’s not right for the context. Try expand. Virgin Retail Group will expand its U.S. holdings. That’s better, but you don’t have theaters in the sentence. You must add a few more words:

Britain’s Virgin Retail Group will expand its U.S. holdings in the next three years to include at least 10 multiplex theaters.

Obviously, that sentence won’t fit in the assigned space, type size, and number of lines — one column, 24 points, and three lines. But it will give you something with which to start. Write it in the blank space above the story on your screen or on a piece of paper, whatever is convenient. Now you have a focus and information — the most important steps in writing a strong headline. Here’s your next step:

2. In a 24-point, one-column, three-line head, perhaps you can fit about 12 units on each line, a unit being one full space. Some letters, such as i and l use only a half space. Others such as m and w use one and one-half spaces. The counts used in the exercise below are approximate. Unit counts vary with type styles. It’s good to keep those values in mind when drafting a headline, even though the computer will do the final counting for you. Again, pick out the essentials, this time from the summary sentence — Virgin, expand, theaters. Note that you have in those three words the skeleton of an active-voice sentence — subject, verb, and object. Now ask yourself what other information is important to the story. Numbers? Location? Try a headline that gives readers the most information. It may not fit, but it’s a start. Keep revising your headline until you get one that fits and gives readers as much information as possible. Here’s a beginning:

Virgin to expand (14)
U.S. holdings (11.5)
to include theaters (15.5)

That’s not going to fit. How far off is it? Line one is too long. Two is within limits, only a half unit short, and three is too long. Also, you want to avoid Virgin because it can create a two-faced head. Let’s try again.

British firm (10)
may expand (10)
U.S. holdings (11.5)

It fits, but you lose theaters. Perhaps you need to change some of the information or the action. Try synonyms. See what can be deleted without harming the message.

British retailer (13)
may open 10 (10.5)
U.S. theaters (11.5)

It’s almost a perfect fit, and it says most of what you want to say. You may have to squeeze the first line a bit to make it fit. And you can bend the guidelines a bit to split the second and third lines — something you can do in one-column, multi-line heads. You have covered the essentials: Subject, British retailer; verb, may open; object, 10 U.S. theaters — a complete thought that leaves out only the time (in the next three years), information that is secondary and which readers can find early in the story. Note that you gave up expand in favor of may open. Using retailer instead of firm, along with 10 theaters, implies expansion, not only of business but also into another area.

Let’s take a different approach. You are asked to write a feature headline on the same story. For example, imagine you are writing for a publication that deals lightly with most headlines — the entertainment magazine Variety, for example. Try to create something clever or exciting that says the essentials. You can use the same information from your focus sentence. It has all the essentials, but it’s heavy. Step out of your heavy shoes and get into dancing slippers. How about this:

The British are coming to your neighborhood
theater.

Like it? Okay, now make it fit. You can write:

Brits are coming (14.5)
to your (6)
local theater (10.5)

Way out of balance. Instead of coming, let’s try this:

British plan (10)
U.S. invasion (11.5)
via big screen (12)

Now you have a light (hooker) headline using practically the same method that you used in the straight (looker) headline. The focus is the same, but you played with the headline words, giving up the action word expand in favor of invade, which takes you into the land of metaphor.

Next, let’s try an entirely different type of story and a different approach to headline writing. Almost any accurate headline would attract if the story is bizarre. You don’t have to struggle to write it, but you can have fun. It’s the kind of story headline writers dream of. The page designer has given us room to be innovative and clever. The head is three columns wide. The top line is 36 points and has a maximum count of 24, but less would be better because the line will be centered. The bottom line is 18 points, also centered, with a maximum count of 48, and it can be full. Here’s the story:

FORT COLLINS — A Fort Collins entrepreneur whose doughnut shop will feature topless waitresses has found no opposition at the Larimer County Board of Adjustment and will go ahead with sneak preview plans this weekend.

The adjustment board on Tuesday night refused to place a roadblock in front of Dennis Cortese’s attempts to open his controversial establishment.

The five-member board failed to muster the four votes needed to require Cortese to go through a special review to open Debbie Duz Donuts.

The special review would have determined whether the topless doughnut business adheres to zoning regulations.

Barbara Trevarton, manager of a mobile home park near the controversial doughnut shop, filed an interpretation appeal in late June, saying that Cortese’s business was a place of entertainment, not a restaurant, which is an allowable use.

An entertainment business is not allowed without a special review from the county. The board voted 3-2 against Trevarton’s request.

Cortese said his plans for a sneak preview of his business are still scheduled for Saturday and Sunday.

Joseph Fonfara, lawyer for Trevarton, told the board that because Cortese’s business featured nudity and higher prices on coffee and doughnuts that Debbie Duz Donuts was an entertainment establishment, not a restaurant.

(From The Associated Press)

It’s another business story, but it obviously cries for a clever headline — a hooker. The story is offbeat, light, and has elements of conflict and humor. It’s a story that challenges your sense of humor and wordplay.

So, let’s take a different approach. You don’t have to analyze this article to determine its focus. It’s obvious — fun. The headline must capture the mood of the story, which is offbeat and light, and it must be clever, inviting, and have a touch of conflict. It might be a label headline.

Forget the active voice diagram you set up in the first exercise on British theaters. Concentrate on words. Here are some of the words you have to play with: topless, doughnuts, Debbie Duz Donuts, sneak preview, breasts, boobs, bra, chest, coffee, dunk, hole, dough, dozen, taste, etc. You get the idea. Think of words that you can associate with a topless doughnut shop. Let your mind soar, or perhaps plunge to the depths of poor taste.

Instead of an active-voice sentence, come up with a catchy phrase for the top line. Pretend that you are on Madison Avenue writing ad copy. You might come up with some words that are not in good taste, but jot them down anyway. You’re thinking. The words may not be printable, but they’ll give you ideas that perhaps you can work into something that is printable — it’s a kind of stream-of-consciousness formula. Let’s try it. And don’t worry about fitting at this point. That will come later. Here’s a start:

Waitress, there’s a boob in my coffee

That will never sail, but it’s fun to write. It’s also too long.

Doughnuts have toppings but waitresses don’t

Maybe, but it’s also too long. And it’s a bit dull, lacking rhythm and mood.

This ain’t Krispy Kreme

I like it. It may work for a top line. It’s short, conversational, and catchy.

Not your mom’s donut shoppe?

It’s OK, but a bit too long and not “krisp.”

Thanks for the mammaries

Clever, but perhaps too risqué and it reaches a bit. However, a good deck to that top would be But I’ll just have a plain doughnut and coffee. I like it, if the editor will accept mammaries. It has another drawback, though — the news value, government approval, is missing. It’s an entertaining headline, but remember you’re writing a headline on a news feature.

Let’s try the Krispy Kreme head. Now let’s get to the deck and a news link — government approval. You have plenty of room. How about this:

Topless doughnut shop gets OK to hold sneak preview

The finished work is both newsy and entertaining, and it fits — the top line counts 20.5 and the bottom 46.

This ain’t Krispy Kreme
Topless doughnut shop gets OK to hold sneak preview

That stream-of-consciousness method works best on light stories. Hard news and complex stories need more precision in planning a headline — a looker head. The hooker head relies more on cleverness than information, and it only has to give readers the essence of the story. You have room for entertainment — both your own and the readers’.

Personally, I like the stream-of-consciousness approach because it’s pleasure rather than work. Compare it to a fitness routine. If you work out regularly, are in shape, and you feel good after a long jog or a bike ride, the routine is enjoyable. If you have just had knee surgery and the rehabilitation includes a routine of dull legwork, you don’t enjoy it. It’s boring, but you realize that you have to do it if you are going to get back to the exercises you enjoy. Likewise, you may not always enjoy the two-step analysis approach to writing a headline, but sometimes it’s necessary to keep fit.

Regardless of the routine you follow to produce good headlines, there’s always pleasure in seeing your creation in print. Headline writers don’t get bylines, so readers won’t be singing your praises as they do for the star writers on your staff. You’ll never hear a reader say, “Another great headline by Joe Schwartz.” But you will know you wrote a winner. And sometimes, you’ll hear a writer say, “Great head, Joe. That really made my story.”

I always envied the editors on weeklies and small dailies because they did everything — wrote the stories, designed the pages, wrote the headlines, took the pictures, and wrote the captions, and sometimes even set the type and put it in the pages. And everyone in town knew that they did it. I have captured a bit of that small-town intimacy in recent years by publishing the newsletter for my homeowners’ association. I do it all — stories, pictures, design, and write the headlines — the task I enjoy most. I get comments from neighbors when I walk the dogs, “Good newsletter, Paul.”

But I’m afraid association members are like most readers: They enjoy the stories and take the headlines for granted. Headline writing on most publications of any size is a mostly thankless job. You get satisfaction in knowing you’ve written a good head, but acclaim is rare. If your publication enters your headlines in a contest and they win, that’s great. But that comes only a few times a year.

Headline writing is a labor of love. It’s love of words and the enjoyment of working and playing with them. Good headline writers have wide knowledge, read a lot, enjoy word puzzles and games, and puns. They aren’t nerds with green eyeshades and sleeve garters — a stereotype from old newspaper movies. They are men and women with quick minds who love the English language and enjoy using it so that others can enjoy it, too. The best headline writers, I believe, are born with the talent but others can develop with practice and discipline.

The next chapter deals with specific headline-writing problems. The topics are categorized and alphabetized, making them easy to find when tackling knotty headline-writing problems. Remember, these are guidelines and not rules. Here’s the most important question to remember as you write, whether you are writing headlines, captions, or complete stories: Does it work? And you can make headlines work by carefully reading the story before you begin and by using strong, simple words. Always look at a headline task through reader eyes. Ask yourself, “What would attract me to this story?” Usually, your first idea will be the best. Too much thought about a headline sometimes can lead to fuzzy heads that evoke a reader “Huh?” instead of “Wow!” Your goal as a headline writer is to aim for the “Wow!”

Chapter 2

Getting Started